"It's like this endless weight, is pushing upon my chest. It's like I can't breathe, I can't breathe. I mean.. I was with you for almost three years, I was with the others for almost four! I would have thought, something, anything would be left at the end. But nothing is left. Nothing. I don't even know any of you guys anymore. And the day I left, the day I walked out of that room for the last time, that was the day every single one of you finally, completely and utterly forgot about me. That day, was pretty much the last I've ever heard of you. Do you think anyone ever texted me, asked how I was, anything? No. I left this group of people, with whom I spent so many days and so many weeks even years with, and that was it. I left, and that was it. That was the end of our never even really existing relationship. And I can NOT make anyone love me, if they do not love me. And I can NOT make anyone like me, if they do not like me. And this is not what I want either. But lately, I don't know. My heart's just been so broken. I've just been in so much pain, for seeing you guys finishing together, what I should've finished with you, it just hurts. It hurts. So damn much. And lately, lately I've been angry. I've been so, so, so angry. I've been angry at how you guys have treated me. So angry, so pissed. I almost couldn't believe it when I walked into that house the last time, people smiling at me, saying hello, people of whom I know, back when I was still there, they were ONLY talking behind my back. Did you ever fucking think about how you made me feel? Why smile at me now, if you couldn't bare to smile at me then?
So things piled up, more and more stuff came along, I dropped out of school, started to smoke a hell of a lot of weed, until I finally reached this seemingly, or most certainly, one of the deepest points in my life up until now. And as I was sitting in that hospital room, I was not crying for all the pain that I had and still have, all the suffering I might be going through now, no, I was crying because I realized HOW much I love my home. How much I love my friends, my family, my babyboy, and last but certainly not least, my dear boyfriend, who slept on chairs and what so ever just to be with me there, through it all. I was crying because I remembered, I realized, how much I love and need my freedom. (which is obviously not given, whilst you are in hospital)
And I decided, I am not my illness. I am not these short hair or this body. I am only one thing, and that is the soul that rests deep underneath my flesh and bones.
And whilst my body may be weak, and my bones may seem like they are almost breaking, I, me, what I really am, my soul, it is blooming. Damn it is blooming and flowering and cherishing every single moment of this life, no matter how hard or how sad things might sometimes seem, I am glad to be alive, I am glad to be breathing, and for all that has happened, it's not the pain, it's not the sadness or the fear I will take along with me for the rest of my life, no, I have learnt one new meaningful lesson, and that is the only thing I want to take from this experience:
Everything can be over in a blink of an eye so live, live, live, breathe, feel the air fill up your lungs, see the beauty in this world, find beauty in every dark place, appreciate just sitting there in the field, feeling the gras beneath your body.
You're not captured in prison, you're not stuck in a hospitalroom, you are free, you are free to do whatever you want to do.
And I do not mean the things that cost something, I mean the free things in life.
Getting dressed, to go for a beautiful walk in this beautiful world, dressing up in general to make yourself feel good ( if that helps you, it helps me anyways), doing your make-up or just going out wearing the most chilled out things you own and not putting any make-up on at all, if that's what you feel like. I mean things like,
meeting up with friends to have a wonderful talks, singing loundly (that's what I love to do) whilst nobody is listening until it feels like your chest is bursting and all the pain can just flow away, all the pain can just flow away.
Jump into a sea of ice cold water or just take a cold shower and let the pain wash away.
Let the pain wash away.
This life is not easy,
this life will never be easy,
and you will be sad again,
and you will have to feel pain again in your life,
because life is just as full of pain,
as it is full of happiness,
but,
always remember,
always keep the following thought close to your heart,
you ARE forever free,
to be exactly who you want to
be."
